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The Top Ten Gayest Coldplay Songs

Hey hey hey errbody!  Hows ya’ll doin, good? Well, yer about to be a whole lot gooder after you take a gander at this lovely list of the Top Ten Gayest Coldplay Songs.  I hope that title isn’t offensive, i couldn’t think of anything else. I don’t think it is, well maybe just a little bit.  I know it’s offensive to Chris Martin and the rest of the members of Coldplay, the Black Eyed Peas of alternative music.  Seriously, I can’t name one other member of that band.  The only other person worth noting is possibly the drummer.  The guitarist is totally uncharismatic and the bass player, wait they have a bass player?  Chris Martin is Coldplay, that’s it. Now, I love Coldplay as much as the next girl, but let’s face it, they are totally gay! Coldplay is gay, that even rhymes for poops sake.  Coldplay, more like Coldgay. Right?  Whenever something gay happens in my life, Coldplay makes it all better.  Be it relationship problems, bad grades on tests, losing games in NBA 2k11, getting kicked in the hozingaazz, or my dog taking poops on the carpet, Coldplay is my escape.  If anyone ever says that they hate Coldplay, they are lying.  At least I am.  When ever someone asks me if I enjoy Coldplay I usually reply with a sny “Psshhh, no! They are totes gay dudes! They stink, P.U. bros!” But what I really mean is “Yes”.  So my love for Coldplay has ultimately led to me wanting to make a list of their gayest material.  Some of these songs are actually their best songs, but that doesn’t mean that they are not gay.  So let’s get to it. I’ll start with number ten. 

#10- In My Place- Okay, now this was a tough one.  Nothing about it is really that overwhelmingly gay.  Compared to the other songs on this list it is definitely lacking on the gay-o-meter.  This song barely beat out “We Never Change” for the tenth spot on this list.  Some could argue that “We Never Change” is very gay, more so than “In My Place”, but ultimately it was my opinion over my other opinion.  Honestly, I really just dislike the song.  I feel it really is one of the worst Coldplay has put out.  Sure it’s catchy, and if they had a greatest hits album i’m sure this song would be there, but I ain’t buyin’ it.  The song and the album if there so happens to be one.  This song is weak and that’s that.  The weakness sprouts the gayness in a sense.  The lyrics are lacking and seem a little lazy to me.  Mostly Martin just says “yeah” a lot and frequently repeats himself.  ”In my place, in my place…” Oh shut up coldplay, stop playing this stupid song.  I’m putting this song in it’s place and saying that it is GAY! What’s next?

#9- Lover’s In Japan/Reign Of Love- Alrighty, this one was a little easier but I still had a rough time finding a place for it in this list.  I like this song.  I like it a lot.  What’s not to like? It has an up beat tempo and a sweet soundin’ piano.  It makes you wanna dance while still making you feel slightly depressed.  I love that! But I mean really guy’s this song is called Lover’s In Japan/Reign Of Love.  It uses the word “love” not once, but two times!  That’s two times to many!  I’m not really even sure what this song is about.  I’m listening to it right now and I guess i’m a little confused.  I’m assuming it’s about two british lovers who are vacationing in Japan?  And maybe they get in a fight or something?  Perhaps over which sushi is the best sushi?  I like the “Devil” from Sumo Sushi. “Heaven” is good also.  If you’ve never eaten sushi than you should try some sushi.  It’s just raw fish and seaweed, c’mon live a little.  Anyway i’ve forgotten where the hell I was going with that.  Bottom line, this song is GAY! Next.

#8- The Hardest Part- God this song is Gay! And really frickin boring. When ever this song comes on shuffle while listening to Coldplay i always press “SKIP this Shit”.  That’d be cool if that was a real button.  Or if the menu button was like “Take me to the MENU, Bitch!”. Haha, right guys? Am I right?  I think it’s funny.  Maybe because it’s 12:35 and I still have two pages of white blankness to fill up in this stupid China is awesome paper.  Oh well, school can wait, this is important.  So yeah, this song is gay. Me thinks this song is about a break up, like every coldplay song.  In this one I think Chris Martin just got broken up with and he knows deep down he’ll never be able to get this girl back, but a part of him still feels that he still has a fighting chance.  I don’t know how Chris Martin has this much turmoil in his life.  He is married to Gwyneth Paltrow and is extremely famous.  Suck it up Martin, stop being such a baby.  And stop with all the gayness.  This song is GAY! Alright, i’m really sick of this.  Why am I doing this? How much more?

#7- Speed Of Sound- I’m just terribly sick of hearing this song.  GAY! Next.

#6- A Message- Okay, here’s a real gay one for ya.  You can really tell just from the first couple seconds.  Acoustic guitar strums airy chords, enter Chris Martin “My song is love”, welp, this song is GAY! Oh, just get me to #1 already.  

#5- Swallowed In The Sea- Oh boy guys, we’ve made it to the top five!  Are you excited? You should be, even though I know you already can easily see this whole list.  It’s not like you even really have to be reading this.  You can skip ahead to the end and leave this stupid blog and save about five minutes or so of another pointless day.  But if you do choose to stick this out with me, which i hope you do, then i think, i uhh, umm, you’ll like it? I don’t know what i’m saying. I’m feeling really uninspired to write right now.  I think it’s all this Coldplay i’ve been listening to.  Ugh, i’m in a sad mood.  This stupid post is taking me forever.  Anyway, if you just listen to this song you’ll know what I mean when I say that this song is GAY!

#4- Sparks- Oh me oh my, this song is busting through the seams with gayness.  It’s definitely a mello tune.  Good for rainy days, or when you just got stabbed through the heart with a break up arrow.  Hazinga! It’s quite a depressing song, kind of makes me want to cry.  Geez, i’m even sounding gay just talking about it.  If that doesn’t show that it’s gay then I don’t know what will.  Eeek, i’m sad.  Get me to the next song.  GAY! Let’s get out of here. 

#3- Green Eyes- Every girls favorite Coldplay song! Yay! This song makes me wanna spew.  Though I do do a pretty sweet cover of it.  Very easy to strum and sing.  I actually like this song, I admit it.  It is good.  Not one i’d put on in the car while driving with friends.  But when i’m alone, lookout, it’s Green Eyes all day long baby babes.  All damn day I could listen to this.  But god is it GAY! Uh-oh, we’re almost done!

#2- The Scientist- Number two on a list that holds ten?  Oh man, you know this song has gots to be gayz.  This is where Coldplay gets a bad rap, for songs like this.  My sister hate’s Coldplay and I think it’s mainly due to this song.  Personally, I have no problem with it.  I am fully aware of how gay it is, but yet i would listen to it by choice.  This song really goes well with break ups, or any sad thing.  What happened to Chris Martin that made his mind come up with this?  I’m glad he’s starting to pull away from stuff like this.  His last album was his second least gayest.  But his first album was the least gayest.  I don’t know where those two gay albums in the middle came from.  X & Y sucks.  Boy is it GAY! Just like this song. Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

#1- Fix You- Boy, that was anti-climatic. Sorry.  I don’t think i would be good at writing suspenseful novels.  But anyway, here it is.  The number one gayest Coldplay song is non other than Fix You.  Bet you didn’t really see that coming, ehh?  Yeah, it’s pretty obvious.  I mean when you think of gay songs, this comes to everyones mind.  Everyones.  This is the ultimate break-up song.  It’s pretty self explanatory why this song is #1.  Just give it a listen.  Actually don’t, I don’t want you to cut yourself.  Every lyric in this song is like “Woah, Chris Martin chill the crap out man, life ain’t this bad, this sort of story telling is only real in the movies.  You’re married to a beautiful, talented woman, in yet I still feel sorry for you.”  Maybe the one that needs fixing is Chris Martin.  Not me.  Not the 6 billion other people that have heard this song.  Just Chris Martin.  You need help Chris Martin, some serious help.  Maybe someday you will stop writing such gay songs.  But then again, I guess that’s what makes Coldplay Coldplay.  And you know something, I wouldn’t change a thing.  

So there it is folks.  I hope I used the word gay enough.  And I hope you enjoyed every second of this.  You better, I spent three days hatching this out.  I don’t know if i’m even going to edit it.  I hope someone takes the time to read this.  Otherwise what the hell am I even doing?  Who does stuff like this?  I spent more time on this than I did writing my 12 page research paper.  Whatever, all is well that ends well I guess.  I mean, you can’t win ‘em all.  That’s just the way the cookie crumbles, you know?  And now i will crumble lazily into bed.  I’m outta here suckaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzz, i’m just snoring now. 

  1. johnnyaustin posted this